Dotti's Operetta
by Kelaiah
Summary: Dotti has written an operetta for herself and some other canon characters. However, she hasn't enough money for props and costumes, so she sends a post-dated check to the bank. Will problems ensue? YOU BET!
1. Overview

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Redwall. Nor do I own this general plot-line, because it is from an episode of "I Love Lucy". The episode is called "The Operetta", in case anyone would like to search for it on YouTube (do not ask me whether it actually is on YouTube, because I do not know).

**Overview**

Because I am so lazy, I shall not be spoofing the entire episode, but rather just summarizing the first part and then going into the second part, but I personally think that makes my work as original as it will ever be.

So anyway, here's what's going on. Dotti is writing an operetta (for who knows what reason, maybe it's a surprise gift for her Aunt Blench and her Chorus of Criers), but she hasn't got the money to afford any real actors or costumes or scenery (yes, I do know that there is no money in Mossflower, but please, bear with me, people). So, in order to save herself some of the money, she writes the operetta herself and gets some of her close and not-so-close friends to perform for free.

First, she convinced Martha from "Loamhedge" that nobeast could sing the part of the leading lady but her, and also told her that the leading male's role would be played by Bucko Bigbones. Martha was rather eager to be in the operetta after learning about that second bit of information, which, naturally, aroused quite a bit of jealousy on Dotti's part. Which is why she briefly tried to convince Martha into playing the part of Camille instead.

Martha was interested at first, but then she found out that Camille was a snaggle-toothed old gypsy. Dotti argued that it would be better if she herself played Bucko's love interest instead of Martha, but Martha disagreed, stating quite bluntly that Dotti couldn't carry a tune. Dotti was mightily angered and insulted, but then Martha challenged Dotti to a singing audition. Martha won, naturally, having one of the sweetest voices Redwall has ever heard, and Dotti resigned to the part of Camille, asking where she might get her teeth snaggled.

After that Dotti set about looking for good singers who would sing for nothing. She steered clear of the Rambling Rosehip Players and the Sensational Wandering Noonvale Companions Troupe, figuring they'd want to be payed. She ended up finding a voice in Log a Log Furmo, who only agreed to his part when his wife said he could (Dotti had a bit of trouble with Honeysuckle, but it all worked out in the end).

She also managed to employ Brooky, Sister Nasturtium, and Trimp, all of whom were fine singers and agreed to sing for free. Songbreeze Swifteye, however, after finding out somehow about Dotti's search, wanted briefly to be apart of it, but after she found out that she wouldn't be payed, she threatened not to take the part. Dotti, however, only shrugged and told the squirrelmaid that she was free to go. Song said she'd accept the part. Viola Bankvole was also employed; she had a decent voice and Dotti figured it wouldn't hurt to have her in there.

Martha also managed to help Dotti in finding some singers. She told her that her brother Horty and his friend Scarum would love to be in the play, but Dotti soon discovered that they didn't have the discipline for the job (between almost every take she'd find them over at the snack table scarfing down on all the food). So she had no choice but to let them go, and in their place hired Southpaw and Bobweave, both of whom were more than happy to do anything for her.

Then Dotti remembered that, while she had promised Martha that Bucko would be the leading male, she had actually never gotten him to agree to the part. So, after much convincing and flattering and pleading and crying, Dotti finally got Bucko to do the part (though Bucko had little confidence in the script, and didn't quite like the idea of playing a character called "Lancelot", but Dotti assured him that it was necessary).

So, with her script and cast all figured out, the only things Dotti had to worry about were the costumes and scenery. Martha spoke to Dotti about this, because she would need to pre-pay for all those things. Dotti then revealed to Martha that she had already bought the costumes and scenery. Martha asked Dotti where she got the money. Dotti said she wrote a check on her bank account (yes, I realize in Mossflower there's no such thing as bank accounts, but please, like I asked before, just bear with me). Martha asked Dotti, wasn't there no money in her bank account? Dotti revealed that she dated the check after the play, that way she'd have enough money by then to pay for the costumes and scenery.

Now, as you can guess, that was where things went wrong.

But, as it turned out, Dotti wasn't the only haremaid doing some conniving around here. Bucko spoke to Martha about the prospect of Dotti singing on stage, but Martha assured him that it wasn't going to be a problem. Bucko asked her how so? Martha then explained that she spoke with the other maidens in the play, so that whenever Dotti opened her mouth to sing, they'd join in. That way Dotti would never be heard on her own.

Could anything go wrong at this operetta? YOU BET!


	2. The Operetta

**The Operetta**

It was opening night, and it was a full house. Every seat in the audience was filled (though that was an easy thing to do in fanfiction). Anyone who was anyone arrived, clad in their best evening wear. Some were there because friends or family were to be performing in the operetta, whereas others were there purely for entertainment's sake, or they had received special invitation.

For awhile, there was nothing except the buzz-like sound of chatter in the audience. Then finally the lights dimmed and a large spotlight appeared on the stage-curtain. The audience became silent and waited for the operetta to start.

Suddenly the curtains parted a bit as two pairs of long ears came forward, followed by the following words:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlebeasts."

"I'm Bobweave, and this fat ugly one is Southpaw."

"Fat?! Ugly?! Stready on, _you're_ the fat ugly one, Bobby!"

"DON'T CALL ME BOBBY!"

"OW! No need to screech down a chap's bloomin' ear-lug, dear brother of mine, wot!"

"Well then don't go callin' me 'Bobby', old fellow."

"Ahem, ANY-way . . . and welcome to performance of 'The Pleasant Peasant', written by the extremely lovely and most fatally beautiful Dorothea Duckfontein Dillworthy, whose unbelievable fairness makes flowers wither in shame!"

"And whose liquid gold voice can trill sweeter than any bird and send the stars falling from the skies in bloomin' tears of joy!"

A voice from behind them barked impatiently, "Ach, away with ye, ye great big lumps! Noo get on wi' it!"

The twin-hares glared behind them, but made no argument. They looked forward again, only down where the musicians were.

"Overture."

"Maestro."

"If you please." This the twins said in unison, and promptly disappeared from view.


	3. The Pleasant Peasant Girls

**Scene 1: The Pleasant Peasant Girls**

The curtain was raised, revealing a quaint little village. From the audience's viewpoint, there was an Inn on the far right of the stage, a gateway on the far left of the stage, and a well in the center. Several boxes of plastic flowers were scattered all around, and the backdrop of a lovely spring day completed the quaint little scene.

Standing completely still in the midst of all this were five lovely young maidens: Trimp, Songbreeze, Nasturtium, Brookflow, and Viola. All of them were either sitting daintily on the ground holding a pail, or picking flowers, or leaning gracefully against a tree. Each maiden was dressed in a gown with a long flowing skirt of green or purple. Some had blossoms tucked behind their ears.

Then they all started to move, whirling and twirling gracefully as they went about their tasks. Song, who bore two buckets on a pole resting on her shoulders, bowed to Nasturtium and Brookflow, who were by the well. The mousemaid and ottermaid bowed back, smiling, and bent over to get water out of the well. Song turned and bowed to Trimp and Viola, who were picking flowers. They too bowed back, and Song twirled around gracefully - and ended up smacking Nasturtium on the rump with one of her buckets.

"OUCH!" the plump little mouse cried, but before anything else could be said or done, the piano's tune became lively, and all five maidens jumped to the front of the stage, and sang.

_We're the pleasant peasant girls_

_Happy pleasant peasant girls_

_We're so happy we could fly_

_With an H-A-P-P-Y_

_We're the pleasant peasant girls_

_Happy pleasant peasant girls_

_With a happy mum and a happy pappy_

_We're so happy that we're almost sappyyyyyyyyyyyy_

_We're the pleasant peasant giiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllssssssss_

The five maidens then curtsied prettily and returned to their original tasks.


	4. The Good Squire Quinn

**Scene 2: The Good Squire Quinn**

Song skipped over towards the Inn where she set down her buckets. Nasturtium was back over at the well with Brooky. The poor little mouse was still rubbing her bottom; Song had whacked her pretty hard. Brooky nudged Nasturium sharply, giving the mousemaid a pointed look.

The Sister then realized it was her line next.

"Oh - what'll we do today?" she asked quickly with a bright smile.

"Let's have a picnic down by the River Out," Brooky said cheerfully.

"Oh that's a lovely idea!" cooed Viola, holding up a bundle of flowers.

"Oh wonderful!" chirped Trimp, also holding up some flowers.

"Look," Song called to the others, holding an arm out stiffly towards the shrew that appeared in the Inn's doorway. "There is Squire Quinn."

"Well, well, good morning, my lovely maidens," Log a Log Furmo said heartily, stepping down to greet them.

The five young females then surrounded Furmo, wishing him a good morning also.

(It might be noted that Furmo's wife, Honeysuckle, was glaring daggers at her husband from the audience; she didn't like the idea of her husband being surrounded by five beautiful young maids. Furmo noticed this, and gave his "lovely" wife a reassuringly look and blew a kiss to her. Honeysuckle merely rolled her eyes, but then a paw came out in front of her face and made a fist, as though it had caught something. Honeysuckle turned and saw the paw belonged to Silvamord, who made believe she had caught Furmo's kiss. The vixen snickered at the shrewwife, who drew back her fist and let it fly.

_BAM!_

Silvamord slumped in her seat and Honeysuckle opened the vixen's paw, taking her husband's kiss back. Urgan watched the proceedings with wide eyes before grinning and nodding.)

"Well what a bunch of pleasant peasants you all are," Furmo said to the five young maidens, who laughed in a pleased manner.

The piano suddenly took on another lively tune, and Furmo struck a pose, ready to let his fine baritone fly over the audience.

_I'm the good Squire Quinn_

_And I wanna shout_

_About my Inn _

_On the River Out_

The five maidens formed a line and pretended to whisper to the audience,

_You can easily see the shape_

_Squire Quinn is in_

_But wait till you see the shape _

_His Inn is in_

Furmo took over:

_The rooms are lovely_

_And full of space_

_There's running water _

_In every place_

The five maidens danced out in front of Furmo, forcing the little shrew to try to jump up and down to see the audience.

_Yes and lots of water _

_If you can stay_

_Long enough for _

_A rainy day_

When they finally moved out of his way, Furmo went on with his part.

_Every room has a beautiful view_

_Of sailing boats on the river blue_

Again the five maidens danced out in front of Furmo.

_You can watch the boats _

_When the wind blows_

_But the Squire didn't put _

_In windows_

Furmo rolled his eyes, but nonetheless ploughed on as he was again allowed into the audience's vision.

_Lots of ale and stout _

_Are on my shelf_

_And I take a drop _

_Or two myself_

The Log a Log again disappeared from view as the five maidens danced out in front of him.

_A drop, he says _

_The Squire's got the gout_

_The stout makes him ail_

_And the ale makes him stout_

This time Furmo appeared by jumping up onto a bench that elevated him above the maidens.

_So ends my story_

_And I think that this'll_

_Be a good time _

_To wet my whistle_

The five maidens stood around the bench as all six of them finished the song.

_That's all there is_

_And it leaves no doooouuuubbbbtttt_

_That the Squire's in his Inn_

_And his Inn's on the Ouuuuuuuuuttttttttt_

The shrew and five maidens bowed to audience.

"Well, well, good-bye, maids," said Furmo, hopping down from the bench. "I've got to go now and polish off a few tankards. Good-bye!"

The maidens laughed and waved him good-bye.


	5. Lily of the Valley

**Scene 3: Lily of the Valley**

As soon as the shrew had disappeared into the Inn, Trimp pointed towards the gateway and called to her friends, "Look! Look who's coming yonder!"

Viola went and placed her paw against her forehead as though she were looking off a far distance. She turned to the others with a smile. "It's a pleasant peasant girl from the next village."

The five maidens then took their places around the bench and looked on as a sixth maiden came out onto stage from the gateway.

Martha was dressed similarly to the other maidens, except her skirt was shorter, and it was a rich shade of pink. Her bodice was a deep magenta and the sleeves were cream. The dress flattered her figure much more than the other maids' dresses did, making her look slim, tall, and shapely. Around the tips of her long ears each were pale pink bows in the likeness of Babs Bunny from Tiny Toons Adventures, giving her an air of innocent cuteness.

The haremaid folded her paws in a demure fashion and began to sing in a sad, lonely, but beautiful, voice.

_I am Lillllllly _

_Of the valleyyyyy_

_Of the quiet, peaceful valley over there_

_And I'm lonely_

_Oh so lonely_

_And nobody in the valley seems to care_

The other five then started a monotone chorus as Martha continued with her song.

_When other girls go walking_

_On their arms they have a swell beau_

_But whenever I go walking_

_On my arm is just my elbow_

_And I'm lookinggggg_

_Always lookinggggg_

_For my dream man and I guess I always willllll_

_I know a girl's supposed to wait for a prince to come and get her_

_The only prince I ever met is a neighbor's Irish setter_

_So if by any chance you seeeeee_

_A prince who has a plan for meeeeee_

Up until now Martha had been standing on the stage like a shrinking violet and singing with sweet shyness. But now she suddenly clapped her paws and came alive with fire and passion.

_Tell him not to dilly-dally_

_Not to dilly-dally_

_Come back toooooooo_

_Lily of the Valllllleeeeeyyyyyyy_

After one final clap and a saucy kick, Martha again became demure. Then she spread her skirt into a curtsy, as did the other maidens.


	6. Queen of the Gypsies

**Scene 4: Queen of the Gypsies**

"Well," said Martha as soon as she was finished curtsying. "I guess I'll go back to my own valley."

And with that, the haremaid began to head back towards the gate, when suddenly:

"Lilllllllyyyyyyyy."

A hoarse, elderly voice echoed around the stage (and even in the audience).

"Lily?"

Martha looked around, her paws clasped together. "Who's that?"

"Lillllllyyyyyyy."

_POOF._

A puff of smoke arose from the well, and out came-

"_AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!"_ screamed Martha, the five other maidens, and even the audience.

Dotti frowned and put her paws on her hips as she glared around her. The lanky haremaid then clambered out of the well, swishing her long, multi-layered, multi-colored, multi-tasseled skirt. The long strings of beads that hung from her neck and head clattered noisily and the large, brass hoop-rings on her ears swung about freakishly. As the haremaid dropped her legs outside the well, the audience could see she had on multiple gaudy anklets. Dotti grinned, revealing her snaggly old teeth, and shook out her baggy clothes, giving off a weird powdery substance.

Martha wrinkled her nose but nevertheless went up to the other haremaid. "Who are you?"

"Who am I?" Dotti replied, speaking like an old hag. "Come closer and I'll tell you who I am."

"Er, no thanks, I think I'll just stay over here as you tell me." And with that, Martha went and sat down on a rock near a flower box.

Dotti took center stage, and the five other maidens stood right behind her.

"Ahhhh," sang Dotti, trying to get into the right key. "Ahhhhhhhh."

The piano repeatedly hit the right key, something which took Dotti a long time to get. "Ahhhhh ahhhhh aaaaahhhhhh oooooohhhhhhh. . . . ." She raised her tambourine and started to sing.

And so did the five other maidens.

_I am the queen of the gypsies_

Dotti blinked and glanced behind her. _What the . . .?_ Nevertheless she continued singing . . . with the five other maidens keeping perfect time with her.

_Gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gypsies_

(Dotti banged her tambourine against her hip, keeping in rhythm)

_I ride along in my gypsy caravan_

_It's the finest gypsy band in the land_

_There are no kings in the gypsies _

_Gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gypsies_

"_Gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gypsies,"_ sang Song, standing forward a bit, singing faster.

Dotti actually stopped singing to glare at the squirrelmaid, but swiftly started again.

_You know what they mean _

_When they shake their tambourine_

_And I'm their gypsyyyyyyyyy _

"_Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"_ Song once again stepped up, singing at a higher pitch - only to be whacked in the face by Dotti's tambourine.

"_QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN,"_ the haremaid finished, stepping in front of Song and spreading her arms wide.

They all then bowed and curtsied, and went on with the show.

"Are you really a gypsy queen, gypsy queen?" Martha asked Dotti.

"Yes, little girl," Dotti replied. "And I have a prediction for you."

"You do?"

"Yes, and I will sing it to you in my song . . . _my_ song," Dotti added, glaring at the five other maidens.

"Tell me, tell me," Martha pleaded, taking her place again near the flower box.

Dotti set down her tambourine on the bench and once again sang the wrong notes while the piano impatiently hit the right ones.

"Ahhhhh, ahhhhhh ahhhhh ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwooooooooooooo. . . ."

Dotti paused dramatically, then started her song.

_I took the-_

The other five jumped in.

_-WING- _

Dotti jumped and squawked.

_-of an owwwwwwwllllllllllll_-

Dotti made a motion to the others to shut up, which they kindly did. The haremaid then turned and smiled at the audience, favoring them with a snaggle-toothed grin.

For a long moment, there was silence. Then:

"_And the eye of a yak,"_ Dotti sang quickly.

"_Eye of a yak,"_ sang the other five.

_The long brown tooth of an alley cat._

Dotti's shoulders slumped, and with a look of resignation, sang along.

_I put it in my pot_

_And what do you think I goooooot?_

Dotti was about to go on with the next verse, but the five beat her to it.

_What do you think I got?_

_What do you think I got?_

_What do you think I got?_

_What do you think I got?_

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT ALREADY!" roared Dotti. ". . . I think I'll _tell_ my prediction. C'mere, little girl," she added, beckoning to Martha.

Martha obeyed.

"Sit down," Dotti ordered, pointing at the bench.

Again Martha obeyed, and Dotti sat down next to her - only to jump up. She had sat on her tambourine. After tossing the instrument away, Dotti went on.

"Last night I had a vision."

"You did?"

"Yes. And it was about you."

"About me?"

"Yes."

"What was it?"

"Well, a handsome prince is comin' to ask you to marry him."

Martha looked simply overjoyed at this.

"But this marriage must never take place-"

Martha's face became a look of surprise.

"-because it'll come to a terrible tragedy and be unhappiness for everyone."

Well, Martha looked pretty put out at this.

Suddenly the sound of trumpets were heard, playing "Call To The Post".

"What's that?" Martha asked.

"The prince is coming!" shrieked Dotti.

"Yay!" shouted the five maidens, clapping their paws and hopping up and down excitedly.


	7. The Troops of the King

**Scene 5: The Troops of the King**

From around the Inn came Southpaw and Bobweave, both clad in an identical pair of handsome uniforms. Each raised a golden trumpet to his lips and the sound of "Call To The Post" was heard.

It should be noted that right in the middle of it, Bobweave lowered his trumpet, and then hurriedly put it back to his lips, realizing his error. Southpaw rolled his eyes at his brother before announcing,

"His Royal Highness, the good Prince Lancelot!"

Coming in from behind the hare-twins came Bucko Bigbones, clad in a cloak and tunic, both of which were gorgeously embroidered. He also wore his heavily ornamented broad belt, as well as a gold circlet set upon his head at a jaunty angle in a likeness of the crown he wore back in his king days.

"Ach, good day, mah wee pretty maids!" Bucko said, strolling past his subjects, swishing his cloak about dashingly.

The five maidens squealed and cheered. Furmo came out of his Inn bearing a large tray of tankards. Dotti got up and bowed repeatedly to "Prince Lancelot". Martha continued to sit demurely and averted her eyes.

"Drink, mah good beasts! Drink, to yer health!" Buck cried, seizing a tankard and swishing it about, his silver pawrings glinting in the spotlight.

The other characters did likewise, save for Martha, who, in a most lady-like way, declined the mirthful drinks. As soon as everybeast else received a tankard, they all began to sing.

_Oh, we are the troops of the king_

_Yes we are_

_And we only drink of one thing_

_Yes we do_

_We like to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, driiiink, drink, driiiiink._

Dotti started to drink from her tankard, but the others started to sing again.

_We like to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, driiiink, drink, driiiiink._

Dotti again started drink from her tankard, but. . . .

_We like to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, driiiink, drink, driiiiink._

Yet again Dotti raised her tankard, but. . . .

_We like to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, driiiink, drink, driiiiink._

Dotti was irate. So finally, near the end. . . .

_We like to drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, driiiiiink, driiink, driiiiiiiiink._

As soon as the last word was sung, Dotti took a deep drink from her tankard - and pulled a face.


	8. Good Prince Lancelot

**Scene 6: Good Prince Lancelot**

"More ales for the bonny wee lasses!" Bucko said to Furmo.

"As you wish, your highness!" replied Log a Log as he went back into his Inn.

The five maidens followed Furmo, as did Southpaw and Bobweave, all of them cheering.

"Ah'm the prince, just send me the bill!" Bucko called after Furmo.

In the meantime, Martha had been casting several looks in Bucko's direction before she settled on sitting gracefully on a rock near the flower boxes.

Dotti, who had been looking around for a place to spit out her ale, finally gave up and swallowed. She looked more like a withered old hag than ever now. But then she realized what the other actors were doing; she stood between Bucko and Martha (both of whom had their backs to her), and gestured between the other two hares. She showed the audience just what she thought of their pairing by pulling yet another (uglier) face, sticking out her tongue and giving a 'thumbs-down' sign. Then she quickly made her exit by disappearing around the Inn.

Bucko then turned around and beheld Martha, sitting alone among the flowers. The haremaiden's beauty outshone the blossoms she sat amongst. The march hare stared at her for a moment as though entranced, and then, placing his thumbs in his belt, he began to sing.

_Ah'm the good _

_Prince Lancelot_

_Ah love tae sing _

_An' dance a lot_

_Ah have an eye _

_For pretty face_

(Here Bucko reached Martha and lifted the haremaid's chin so that their eyes met)

_Ah love the girls_

_But its no disgrace_

(Bucko began to walk about the stage, naming off all his former lovers; Martha looked a bit put out by this)

_There was Mercedes, Rosaline, Betty, an' Sue_

_Dorothy, Janice, an' sweet Mary-Lou_

_Audrey, Bebe, and Anastelle_

_But thaaaat's all ooooover with noooooooow_

(Bucko returned to Martha and held out his arms. Martha, her eyes alight, ran to him, and the two hares held paws)

_Alllllll ah want is yoooooouuuuuu_

_Lily_

_Tae you ah'll be true_

_Lily_

_Come with me and we'll ride away_

_Over the hiiiilllllllls to mah hiiiiiiiideaway_

(Bucko gently sat Martha back down next to the flower box where he reached from some blossoms to give her)

_Listen to mah plea_

_Lily_

(Here Bucko gave a grunt as he strained to pull the fake flowers out of the box. He shook and rattled the box, mumbling dark words under his breath. Martha continued to sit, her smile becoming rather strained. Finally Bucko gave up and just handed Martha a root. The haremaid managed to not look disappointed or surprised at this)

_Ah'm a beast that needs_

_Lily_

_Please say ye will, darling_

_Don't say ye won't_

_Say ye'll maaaarrrrrryyyyy meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_

The two hares then bowed to the audience before getting on with the next scene.


	9. The OCs

**Scene 7: The OCs**

Bucko wrapped his arms around Martha. "Lily, will ye marry me?"

Martha's eyes were alight with stars. "Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes-"

"This marriage must never take place!"

Bucko and Martha jumped and turned to see snaggle-toothed Dotti waving her arms about frantically. "It means nothing but tragedy and unhappiness for everyone!"

"Och, away with ye, ol' hag!" Bucko sneered as he idly shoved Dotti away with one paw.

Dotti opened her mouth to protest again, when suddenly:

_Gypsy Queen, I'd like a wooooooord with yooooooooou_

The three hares turned to see Sister Nasturtium standing there, holding a basket of flowers in one paw while the other paw pointed urgently towards the gateway.

Dotti blinked. "Uh, beh, _go awayyy, this is not your cuuue,"_ she sang, putting her paws behind her head.

Nasturtium hurried forward. _"I knooow,"_ she sang back. _"But there's trouble backstaaage."_

"_Well, what seems to be the troubllle?" _Dotti asked, swinging her hips.

Nasturtium did a little dance around the haremaid, singing, _"There are some OCs_ _backstage who are taking away the costumes and the sceneryyyyyyyy."_ The mousemaid finished by holding out a flower to Dotti.

Dotti accepted the flower, looking back and forth between the mouse and the gateway leading backstage. "Well, uh,I_-I gave them the cheeeeeeeeck."_

"_It bounced,"_ replied Nasturtium. She then repeated the phrase at a higher pitch. _"It bou-hou-nced_. _Bou-hou-nced. It bou-bou-bou-bou-bounced."_

". . . .It came back?"

Nasturtium nodded solemnly. _"It was post-daaaaaateeeeeed."_

Dotti gave a strained grin._"I knooooooooooow thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat."_

"_Well what'll we doooooooooooooo?" _Nasturtium asked, smiling as she glanced at the audience.

"_Tell them to wait a minuuuuuuuttttttttteeeeeee,"_ Dotti replied in a singsong voice.

Nasturtium shook her head. _"But they won't dooooooooooooooo iiiiiiiittttt."_

"_Well, take a STAB at it!"_ Dotti snapped, pushing the Sister towards the Inn's door.

Nasturtium squeaked and dropped some of the flowers, but nonetheless hurried through the Inn's door towards backstage.

Dotti turned and looked at Bucko, who, along with Martha, stared wide-eyed back.

"Ah, er," said Bucko. "Ah, on wi' the wedding!"

"On with the wedding!" shouted Dotti, forgetting that her part was to try to prevent said event from happening.

From the Inn's door out came Southpaw and Bobweave, followed by the other maidens minus Nasturtium. Furmo brought up the rear. The hare-twins drew their swords and made an arch with them as Bucko, with Martha on his arm, walked up the Inn's steps under the flowery arches held by the maidens. Dotti followed Bucko and Martha, pounding on her tambourine, singing, "On with the wedding!"

Furmo had just started to "marry" the two hares when suddenly the OCs Nasturtium had warned Dotti of came marching out onto the stage.

The OCs consisted of two hares, two otters, and two badgers, all of whom were very large and therefore very strong, and had some very serious, no-nonsense expressions. One of the hare OCs jerked a surprised Dotti out of the way as Southpaw and Bobweave were relieved of their swords.

"I say, you rotters! Give us back our flippin' swords, you bally cads! This is an outrage, I shall report you to Sergeant- ARRGG! Hey! Take your bloomin' paws off of us! These are OUR tunics! Go an' get your own, wotwot!"

Dotti could only stare as the twins were wrestled backstage. The two otter OCs walked past her and grabbed the flower-arches the maidens were holding.

"AUGH! No! NO!" the maidens screamed, pulling back against the otters, but alas, like the hare-twins before them, the maidens were dragged backstage.

Dotti then saw the two badger OCs hoisting up the rocks and trees and tossing them backstage. The haremaid finally went into action, striding over to reason with them. But before she could get a word out, one of the badgers handed her a large rock that made her stumble and land on the bench.

Just then Brooky, Nasturtium, and Viola came running out from the gateway, screaming their heads off as they clutched at their costumes, one of the hare OCs chasing them. Bobweave came running out of the gateway too, the top half of his tunic gone as he was chased by the other OC hare.

"I say, go and get your own costume, or at least just politely ask for mine, you bally cad! Take that! OW! You're too hard to box! AUGH!"

Dotti then hurried over to Bucko, who marched straight over to the two otter OCs who came out of the gateway.

"Ach! Noaw look here, whit's the big idea? Whit do ye think yer - AUGH! Hey! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go!" Bucko screamed as the two otters picked him up in a sitting position and carried him offstage.

The two badger OCs came out again and began sliding the well offstage as well.

"Oh, now, c'mon, chaps!" Dotti pleaded, running over to them, still holding the large rock. "You don't want to do this, can't we just settle this like civilized beasts, wotwot?"

The badgers ignored her, and soon the well was gone too. Dotti looked despairingly about her, and just barely managed to dodge the otter OC that came flying backwards from the gateway.

"Ach, ye great big waterdogs! Take yer paws offa me!"

Bucko staggered back out on stage, his tunic open, his crown, cloak, and pawrings gone, and the other otter OC on his back. The otter had the hare's arms pinned behind his back in a death grip. Bucko, unable to throw off his attacker or throw any punches, relied solely on kicking his opponents. However, for one second, Bucko stood still with both feet on the ground. It was all the otter OC needed. Quick as a serpent, the otter's rudder shot out and wrapped itself tightly around the hare's ankles, forcing Bucko to remain standing still.

As for the other otter, he regained his breath finally and threw himself back at Bucko and seized the hare's broad belt.

"ACK! No, that's mine! That's nae part o' the costume-!"

But it was too late. The broad belt came off, and Bucko's great big belly came shooting out, sending the otter flying backwards yet again (and forcing Dotti to dodge to the side yet again). This time, however, the otter wasn't as winded as he had been before, so within a second he lunged at Bucko a third time and slammed his fist into the hare's belly with bruising force.

"_Oof!"_ Winded and no longer struggling, Bucko was then bore off backstage again.

Just as the march hare was carried off, Song came running out, clad in nothing but her costume's under-gown, screaming her head off as she was pursued by one of the hare OCs, who was being head-butted by Trimp.

Song bumped into Dotti as she ran by, causing the haremaid to drop the boulder - right on her footpaw.

"EEE-YOUCH!" howled Dotti, hopping about on one foot as she clutched at her sore one. "OW! OW! Owie owie owie owie owie owie owie owie!"

"Hey, _what_ is going on?!" shouted Furmo, looking about, completely bewildered. And he became bewildered still as the part of the Inn he was standing on was beginning to be pulled away.

As for Martha, she was the only creature present that seemed completely unperturbed by the goings-on around her. In fact, she was actually leaning against the railing of the Inn's stairs, singing her little heart out, making dainty, princess-like gestures. And she kept on doing that even when the two badger OCs came and began to drag the staircase she was standing on across the stage.

(It might be noted that the two hare OCs escorted Martha backstage and allowed her the dignity of changing in her dressing room to get her costume.)

Dotti was irate about Martha's attitude, but she then decided, if Martha was still singing, then she might as well too! (After all, this was her chance of singing without any accompaniment!)

Dotti picked up her tambourine and set up a wail.

_OOOOOHHHHHH, I am the queen of the gypsies_

Dotti then sat down on the bench and banged the tambourine on her hip.

_Gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gyp, gypsies_

Just then the two badgers came back out and picked up the bench with Dotti still on it.

_I am the queen of the gypsies_

The badgers carried Dotti towards where the Inn's doorway used to be, but she grabbed onto the what was left of the frame and hurriedly screamed out the rest of her song . . . until the curtain was lowered.

**FINE**


	10. Cast and Credits

**The Cast**

Lily - Martha

Lancelot - Bucko Bigbones

Camille - Dotti Dillworthy

Squire Quinn - Log a Log Furmo

Pleasant Peasant Girls - Songbreeze Swifteye, Trimp, Brookflow, Viola, Nasturtium

Soldiers - Southpaw, Bobweave

"I say, how come _he_ always gets the top-billing, wot wot?!" demanded Bobweave, glaring at the cast list.

"That's the way how it was in the flippin' book, doncha know, Bobby."

"DON'T CALL ME BOBBY! GGRRRAAARRRGGGG!"

"OW! Take that!"

"OW! Well take this!"

"OW! Stop that!"

"No you stop it! YEEK!"

* * *

**Disclaimer (again): **Kelaiah does not own any of this material, except for the original stuff (if you would like to know what the original stuff is, please go and find this episode on YouTube and compare it to this fic, because I am too lazy to give you a list).

The OCs are property of Kelaiah, however, as were all the costumes and scenery (even though the idea of this fic wasn't his, he decided to make his own original costumes and scenery for the operetta). They are also being sued by the Canon characters that were "improperly treated". Kel sent out a most sincere apology to the Canon characters, promising that the OCs would never again be used (unless any situation called for them).


End file.
